Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Continuum of Life

 

In the year 1929 on a cool autumn day on the 24th of September my father took his first breath. The moment my grandmother held him I believe her thoughts turned to her four other sons Bud, Bob, Fred, Frank and now my dad Roger. Another rambunctious boy to add to the mix of the Shelton home.  I bet her arms ached for a little girl after losing her first born daughter Josephine, at the age of six. The house would be filled with baseballs, footballs, and muddy clothes instead of lacy dresses and bows.  That first time she held my father was 94 years ago. I have always wondered what he was like as a small child and teenager, but as a father he was perfect for me.

Continuum, repeat, revive, rejuvenate are a few words that come to mind when I think of loved ones that have passed.  My mind tries to rekindle those moments with my dad. A man who was short in stature with pudgy little fingers. Those short stubby fingers would dance across the piano keys to accompany me in my solos at high school concerts, church, and weddings. Dad aways said when we practiced, “Oh, Pam you have a beautiful voice.” Those days are gone, but the memory is implanted in me.

Memories that repeat with each generation. The birth of a new baby, the unwrapping of a granddaughter’s birthday gifts and the hugs that bring warmth that linger even after the hug is done. That word Continuum is the circle of life.  Each generation from my great, great grandparents to my great grandchildren will have memories that keep them moving forward. My father loved music and with each deep note he sang it was one with perfect pitch.  Now, my children have a love for music, even my nephews and nieces do too.

Music is the link in the Shelton family. It gives each one of us the opportunity to share something we all love. The melody, rhythm and words keep those moments we shared alive. I strive daily to recount those songs my father wrote. Songs that I have wanted to instill in my children and grandchildren. Dad would play my Aunt Dorothy’s piano while his siblings would stand around and sing the songs that they treasured and wrote. Uncle Fred was a talented guitar and harmonica player. Oh, and my dear grandpa Shelton would let me sit on his lap while he played his harmonica, and I would always place my head against his chest to hear him breathe. These memories that are cherished and never to be forgotten.

Dad, you can not read the words I write, but I hope you can see your legacy loves you. That your smile and love of music has flowed into your grandchildren, great grandchildren.  My heart aches to hear his voice, watch him play the piano and accompany me while I sing. I miss, oh how I miss having someone accompany me. I often wonder how my father felt when his parents passed. Did he feel as empty as I do? I bet he did because it’s a continuum that circle of life that repeats the loss, growth, and watching a loved one unwrap a gift meant just for them.

 

Sunday, May 17, 2020

My Published Book Perfect Rose Cracked Vase




Words generate a rhythm when embedded on paper. A beat that can give an indication of someone’s thoughts, emotions, and trials. Hidden pain etched in the paper that the writer wanted to hold hostage but felt a need to let go of. Their fragile life of incidents captured between the lines on the paper of a world only they believed they lived. Discouragement and dissatisfaction sneaked in between the hopeful words that they believe would be saved for future adventures.  







Monday, September 2, 2019

Why aren't people honest?

 I see it, can you? Can you see how my right eye is different than my left? So often people tell me it's not noticeable. But to me it is. I can see it just like I can see it in this picture.  Don't tell me you can't tell the difference, because if you say you can you are not being honest with me. 
As an adult I am more aware of my visual impairment than I was as a little girl or even as a teenager. 
Why do I let it brother me? Why do I let it control how I feel about myself?
 We all have something we don't like about ourselves and my happens to be this deformed eye. 
Even though I can't see out of it I still get pain in the eye.
 Pain for something that serves no purpose in my life. 

I do feel blessed for the vision I do have. And I do appreciate that 
         I can see the world with color and not a dark canvas. 


Monday, July 22, 2019

My fault, all my fault.

There have been moments were
I wondered how I have made it 
this far in life. 
I have watched several YouTube videos
 with others who have disabilities. 
It made me realize how blessed I have been.  
I might not be able to see out of two eyes, 
but at least I can see.
I can drive, read, and write a book.
I walk without help and clean my home.
I can make dinner, sew and
 see my children and grandchildren.  
There have been moments I have wished my mother 
would of never contracted the German Measles 
while pregnant with me. 
How different would my life be. 
Would I have married who I married?
Would I have ever been a Mother, Grandmother or wife? 

My brother who is six years older than me 
told me it was hard on him too when I was born. 
He was a little boy unable to comprehend why his 
Mother was always gone at the hospital
 taking care of his sick little sister.

The little sister I don't think he wished my parents ever had. 
Then he wouldn't of had his mother gone all the time.
He wouldn't of had to sit at 
the hospital for hours waiting and waiting. 

It's my fault 
But I couldn't help it.  

Brother, I am sorry you had to endure
 the struggle
 of me being born. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Familiar places

How many of us feel emotions stir in us when we go to a place we had been to many years before.
It can bring feelings of sadness, relief, joy and mixed emotions. It plays with the heart of how that last time you had been in that environment you felt that same feeling as before, but in a different light.

You are older, wiser, and understand the how and why reasons.

When I was young I had often gone to the hospital to see my mother when she was ill and this last week I went to a hospital like the one she was in to visit a friend. It brought memories that still haunt me. Memories that I have tried to avoid thinking about.

Memories of wanting her home instead of locked up in a building unable to be my mother. How can I grasp those thoughts and feelings now that I had as a little girl?  I still have a hard time seeing the full picture of why she was not home with me.

Why she could not braid my hair? Why she could not teach me how to apply make-up and why she was unable to teach me about womanhood?

Now that I am a mother, I see it must of been as difficult on her as it was on me.

Just to write this brings a heavy heart because I know my mother's love was locked in that building along with her emotional instabilities.