Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Im getting hearing aids!


I have Congenital Rubella Syndrome caused from my mother having the German Measles while 4-6 weeks pregnant with me. So, I had Rubella when I was a fetus which gave me birth defects. I'm blind in my right eye and have no hearing in my right ear.

I'm thrilled that next Tuesday I'm getting my first set of hearing aids. I'm nervous about how I will cope with having something in my ear, but excited that I will be able to hear birds chirp, cars coming down the road, conversations that I miss out on because I can't hear everything that's been said. I won't have to ask, “what did you say?” It has been even more difficult to be a part of a conversation when people are on my blind side and miss their respondes and facial expressions.

For those of you who have hearing aids can you share with me how you first got use to them? Any advice would be a blessing.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Feelings, thoughts and wonders

 How many of you ever feel out of place when you go to an event, party or family activity?
I know for me there have been times I felt like I didn't belong. Like I'm the lost puppy trying to figure out where I fit in. Several times over the years I have found myself looking around the room at others and observing their face expressions and movements. Like, today I went to a bridal shower and focused on others body language. You know the smile, step forward or away.

When I have a conversation with someone I always let them talk about their life and experiences, I give them control of the conversation because I know if I don't the conversation will end quick.
Why do we feel a need to be the one to talk and not be the one to listen?

When I was growing up, and living with other people while my mother was in the hospital I dreamed of a normal family with family vacations and making lasting memories. When I have a conversation with others and they share their childhood it makes me wish I had those experiences. I guess we always think the grass is greener on the other side.

My husband has videos of  his family growing up and living all over the world. I on the other hand have memories stuck in my head of a life I did not want to have. I envied the experiences my husband had when he was young, because I dreamed of having those types of experiences while living with other families.

My parents did the best they knew how given the circumstances of mental illness invading our home. My mother always played second fiddle in the eyes of my grandmother. She could never measure up to her older sister that my grandmother thought the world of. My grandmother actions towards my mother affected not only me, but my brothers and Father.

Her actions have made me want to not be like her. I want to be loving to my children, grandchildren and husband. I want to be loving to my family and friend, because the way we treat others can have a lasting impact on not just them, but others.

My goal is to always realized that I might feel like the lost puppy in a room, but there are others in the room that feel the same way. Some come from broken homes, some had a adventures like my husband and some lived the path I lived. We all need to see that are hearts beat the same way and we all have desires to feel loved and wanted.


Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Reasons Why We Hug

As human beings we hug to express a physical connection. There are several different reason why we hug.
We hug to give comfort after the death of a loved one.
We hug to congratulate a mother on her new born baby.
We hug to give appreciation for a gift.
We hug when we see someone after they have been gone for while.
We hug when someone gets their feelings hurt.
We hug each other as a greeting or as we are saying goodbye.
We hug to give reassurance during a difficult trial.
We hug to show affection to our boyfriend / girlfriend or spouse.
We hug before our loved one goes in for surgery.
We hug when we are happy.😀
We hug when we are sad.☹️
We hug when we feel empty inside.
We hug out of gratitude.
We hug for peace.
We hug to build our loved ones spirit.
We hug when we need a physical connection after a long day of work.
We hug at weddings.
We hug at graduations.
We hug to give compassion.
We hug to comfort.

A hug can build us up...and give us encouragement, a belonging and make us feel of value. A hug can change a mood, the environment, a person and a relationship. It can bring new light to sharing a level of affection. 

I will continue to think of other reasons why we as human beings have a desire to hug and be hugged. 
Word Origin and History for hug...In the 1560's a hug was to embrace. The noun was originally 1610's to hold in wrestling. Meaning "affectionateembrace" is from 1650s.
Can you think of reasons why we hug?



Tuesday, August 23, 2016

My Mother

 The trees dance, the airplanes fly and the sun brightens the earth that I live on. How beautiful life is...with water to use, food to consume and a place to sleep. As the days pass the memories fade of those that have once seen the trees dance, airplanes fly and the sun brighten the earth. 
Music of old brings sparks of a past that I never dreamed of wanting. The thought of my mother who tried to be a mother. She slept many days, rocked in her bed and drowned out the pain with her music. She cast out the demons with prayers in her heart that brought thoughts of only living. 
For her to sit under a tree, fly in a plane and feel the warmth of the sun that surround her. Seemed out of reach because of the sadness that brought a barrier to strong for her to break down. 
I envision my mother a sweet one at that who tried to be loving and did not require anything back, beside a smile. My grandmother's words strike a cord of unbearable pain inside her. 
To know that my mother lost out on a world filled with places to see, people to meet and dreams that never surfaced. 
Now that she is rested peaceful near my father. I wish those days of old would come back so I could use the wisdom I have now to help her reach for the dreams that died with her.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Yes I am Sentimental.

Life is what  you make of it. It's when you look for the good, even when it's not going in the direction you would of hoped for. Its when you take time to ponder on the happy moments that have slipped by.
Life is filled with trials, hopes, dreams, losses, and gains. It's filled with happy and sad moments. It's filled with struggles you never thought possible to over come.
I have been De-cluttering  and as I go through boxes that have contained my special mementos I have realized my children would never want them. They would probably look at the objects and wonder why I ever kept them. So, as remove those items from the boxes I find they bring back the trials, dreams and memories that I have kept in my heart and have molded me into the person I am today.
 

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Two Eyes Are Better Than One


https://youtu.be/jD1YtAKXIFI





Two Eyes Are Better Than One
I always took Grandpa Spencer’s advice seriously and accepted his point of view, but once on the telephone he asked, “Oh Pamela, how can you say you miss seeing out of two eyes when you have never seen anything with your right eye?” While silence ringed, I squeezed my lips to hold back the answer. Oh, how I wanted to yell. Instead I thought it best to say it under my breath. “I know two eyes are better than one.”
I clutched the phone and took a deep breath, “Grandpa, please understand. I do know what I’m missing.” I switched my weight from one foot to the other and went on, “When people walk by me they disappear and we often bump and when I turn to say, “Sorry,” I receive a look of, “what is wrong with you?”
Grandpa still tried to persuade me. “If you have never seen out of your right eye, how can you miss vision you have never had and furthermore, how can vision in two eyes be any different than having vision in one?”
Grandpa’s question of twenty years ago still haunts me. If he only understood how I feel. I compare my blind eye to a butterfly’s broken wing. Both the broken wing and broken eye limit living life to the fullest. The butterfly can’t fly to get a complete picture of the scenery and I can’t see the world in the way others see with two eyes. I was ashamed to reveal to Grandpa that I was given the label amongst my schoolmates as the, “one eyed freak,” because my blind eye moves as it chooses.
Never will I forget my elementary PE class we were divided into two groups. I stood with my head down, feet close together. I knew the team leaders wouldn’t want me on their team. With my eyesight the way it was, I couldn’t gauge when to kick or hit the ball with a bat. All the kids knew I couldn’t score a point for the team.
Now, as an adult, I still realize not having vision in two eyes has limited my possibilities. Blind is the way God made me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want them to understand one eye is not a complete picture of the world they see.
Is it wrong of me to feel that my glass is half empty? Is it wrong for me to want vision in two eyes? Is it wrong for me to want to see the world like everyone else?
If only we could see each other’s trials with the same eyes, same view, we would see that each of us is faced with some type of emotional, physical, social or spiritual limitation. We all desire to achieve our full potential. At least I do.
So if you meet someone like me, know they want to see the world just like you do with two eyes, because they also know, “two eyes are better than one.”

Saturday, June 11, 2016

What If ?

Have you ever had the what if syndrome come suddenly?  I have, an it makes my head spin and heart beat faster. The what if syndrome of, if only had done this or done that. If only I had remembered. If only I had let my children understand the reasoning. If only I had...the list of what if's could go on. 
As I think back to my childhood and the way life was and the way I interpreted I see hiccups of what if's. These what if's have brought frustration and I wonder why I worry about the what if's.
When I was a young girl around ten I never thought about the what if's. When I was dating I never thought about the what if's. When I was a young adult I never thought about the what if's. 
I wish I could call my mother and ask her about her what if's. Did she or my father have them? They had too.
Didn't they? 
As my favorite sayings goes that I wrote,
 "Take time to smell the roses, cause when they are gone you will wish you had."

 I remember one of my conversations with my grandfather Spencer and sharing with with him my favorite quote I wrote, taking time to smell the roses, after we had discussed having a get together. He seemed to shrugged off my quote, but he excepted the idea of having a get together. 

How many times I wish I could go back in time and repeat choices I had made. 
What if's that could turned out differently.