Thursday, June 21, 2018

Writing a link to expression

There have been times when I can feel relief after I have written down my thoughts and feelings. It gives me a sense of fulfillment to write on paper. 

I have witness through my mother's writings how her true self is written on paper. Her raw emotional feelings that gave her a sense of fulfillment like it does for me. She was never able to feel valued around others including her parents so she turned to writing and letting all the emotions run out on to the paper. 

Now that she has passed I see how the most valuable gift she has left me is her writings. Her deep feelings that are capture on paper. I see writing like a picture. It captures a scene that gives a view into another persons world. 

Like when you read a book and take in the story you can feel like you are in the story or watching it as it its a movie you are a part of. 

Journals are not popular like Facebook and Instagram are, they have become the new way of journaling. I personally feel keeping a written hand journal is still the most valuable way to capture those important events, stories and trials. 

Should we put on paper our problems, trials and concerns? I have learn so much from reading my mothers struggles, concerns and trials. Her experiences have given me a different perspective on how to cope in this world we all live in. She dealt with depression, anxiety and physical pain and to be able to read her thoughts of how she coped has been a blessing to me. 

Oh how I miss her. I miss her birthday messages and stories. I miss her voice and comforting words. 
I hope I can give to my daughters the same comfort she gave to me. 

Monday, May 7, 2018

Life, real life

Life changes physically, mentally, and spiritually as the years pass.

We spend billions of dollars on homes, cars, and material items that years later will fall apart and be worthless. 

Life with relationships that are built upon love, compassion, spiritual meaning will never fall apart if cared for. 

When I drive down the road and see how buildings, homes and parks which were once beautiful have been demolished and never having the same meaning as it did. 

My grandparents home has been demolished and the land it was on doesn't have any indication that it occupied a home that a family lived in. That home is where my dad, his parents and sisters lived. And now it's no where to be seen. 

We all, including me want to leave a legacy after we have passed some type of indication that we once walked the earth. 

What legacy do I want to leave?  What legacy do you want to leave? 

What really is important for others to remember about me? Have you thought about what you want others to remember about you?

I have always wanted to know what it would be like to see out of two eyes.

Why did I think that my vision impairment was the reason my high school boyfriend dump me. Crazy me.

We all have a desire to be loved and cared for even if we are born with deformities or given physical or mental struggles that are a daily task to cope with.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Love ❤️ My Hearing Aids!

Wow! Since I have gotten my hearing aids I have been able to hear birds, paper being folded, my dog eating and drinking out of her dish, the dish washer running and the microwave. What a blessing these two small expensive hearing aids have been. All they are is two small items that have given me a new out look on life and the opportunity to be a part of a conversations. The only draw back is the batteries don't last long in them. ;(

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Im getting hearing aids!

I have Congenital Rubella Syndrome caused from my mother having the German Measles while 4-6 weeks pregnant with me. So, I had Rubella when I was a fetus which gave me birth defects. I'm blind in my right eye and have no hearing in my right ear.

I'm thrilled that next Tuesday I'm getting my first set of hearing aids. I'm nervous about how I will cope with having something in my ear, but excited that I will be able to hear birds chirp, cars coming down the road, conversations that I miss out on because I can't hear everything that's been said. I won't have to ask, “what did you say?” It has been even more difficult to be a part of a conversation when people are on my blind side and miss their respondes and facial expressions.

For those of you who have hearing aids can you share with me how you first got use to them? Any advice would be a blessing.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Feelings, thoughts and wonders

 How many of you ever feel out of place when you go to an event, party or family activity?
I know for me there have been times I felt like I didn't belong. Like I'm the lost puppy trying to figure out where I fit in. Several times over the years I have found myself looking around the room at others and observing their face expressions and movements. Like, today I went to a bridal shower and focused on others body language. You know the smile, step forward or away.

When I have a conversation with someone I always let them talk about their life and experiences, I give them control of the conversation because I know if I don't the conversation will end quick.
Why do we feel a need to be the one to talk and not be the one to listen?

When I was growing up, and living with other people while my mother was in the hospital I dreamed of a normal family with family vacations and making lasting memories. When I have a conversation with others and they share their childhood it makes me wish I had those experiences. I guess we always think the grass is greener on the other side.

My husband has videos of  his family growing up and living all over the world. I on the other hand have memories stuck in my head of a life I did not want to have. I envied the experiences my husband had when he was young, because I dreamed of having those types of experiences while living with other families.

My parents did the best they knew how given the circumstances of mental illness invading our home. My mother always played second fiddle in the eyes of my grandmother. She could never measure up to her older sister that my grandmother thought the world of. My grandmother actions towards my mother affected not only me, but my brothers and Father.

Her actions have made me want to not be like her. I want to be loving to my children, grandchildren and husband. I want to be loving to my family and friend, because the way we treat others can have a lasting impact on not just them, but others.

My goal is to always realized that I might feel like the lost puppy in a room, but there are others in the room that feel the same way. Some come from broken homes, some had a adventures like my husband and some lived the path I lived. We all need to see that are hearts beat the same way and we all have desires to feel loved and wanted.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Reasons Why We Hug

As human beings we hug to express a physical connection. There are several different reason why we hug.
We hug to give comfort after the death of a loved one.
We hug to congratulate a mother on her new born baby.
We hug to give appreciation for a gift.
We hug when we see someone after they have been gone for while.
We hug when someone gets their feelings hurt.
We hug each other as a greeting or as we are saying goodbye.
We hug to give reassurance during a difficult trial.
We hug to show affection to our boyfriend / girlfriend or spouse.
We hug before our loved one goes in for surgery.
We hug when we are happy.😀
We hug when we are sad.☹️
We hug when we feel empty inside.
We hug out of gratitude.
We hug for peace.
We hug to build our loved ones spirit.
We hug when we need a physical connection after a long day of work.
We hug at weddings.
We hug at graduations.
We hug to give compassion.
We hug to comfort.

A hug can build us up...and give us encouragement, a belonging and make us feel of value. A hug can change a mood, the environment, a person and a relationship. It can bring new light to sharing a level of affection. 

I will continue to think of other reasons why we as human beings have a desire to hug and be hugged. 
Word Origin and History for hug...In the 1560's a hug was to embrace. The noun was originally 1610's to hold in wrestling. Meaning "affectionateembrace" is from 1650s.
Can you think of reasons why we hug?

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

My Mother

 The trees dance, the airplanes fly and the sun brightens the earth that I live on. How beautiful life is...with water to use, food to consume and a place to sleep. As the days pass the memories fade of those that have once seen the trees dance, airplanes fly and the sun brighten the earth. 
Music of old brings sparks of a past that I never dreamed of wanting. The thought of my mother who tried to be a mother. She slept many days, rocked in her bed and drowned out the pain with her music. She cast out the demons with prayers in her heart that brought thoughts of only living. 
For her to sit under a tree, fly in a plane and feel the warmth of the sun that surround her. Seemed out of reach because of the sadness that brought a barrier to strong for her to break down. 
I envision my mother a sweet one at that who tried to be loving and did not require anything back, beside a smile. My grandmother's words strike a cord of unbearable pain inside her. 
To know that my mother lost out on a world filled with places to see, people to meet and dreams that never surfaced. 
Now that she is rested peaceful near my father. I wish those days of old would come back so I could use the wisdom I have now to help her reach for the dreams that died with her.