Friday, September 28, 2012

My Doctor Visit

Yesterday as I sat across the room from my Dermatologist I observed his pen a paper as he scribbled down notes of answers to questions he was asking me. You know, the questions like have you ever had children? Is there heart disease in your family? Then I finally spilled out the five words that always seem to scare or shock a doctor. “I have Congenital Rubella syndrome (CRS)." He dropped his pen and his jaw quickly went to the floor. He looked at me and said, “You are one smart lady and you have had five kids?” The sentence that came out of his mouth next was words I have heard several times over the years, by other doctors. He crossed his legs and grabbed his chin. “Wow, I have never met anyone like you before. He looked at me like I was some weird freak from a circus. Then he jumped up pressed a button near the door-frame  A nurse and an intern came in, but right before they did, he asked me to not tell them that I had CRS. He said with a firm smile. Let’s let them guess as to what you have. I gladly agree to entertain the doctor’s game.
The intern looked at my eyes as the doctor said, “You will never ever met someone like her in your lifetime again.” I felt like a specimen on a table ready to be cut so they could find out what was wrong with me. The nurse and the intern looked closely at my blind eye. The doctor motioned with his hands. “It’s caused from a rash and it can do horrible damage to a fetus, if not kill the fetus. This young lady is blind in her right eye, was diagnose with mircocephaly, but she is very intelligent. She was born with a heart murmur and she was hospitalized for months after she after birth. Then he said. “Remember… you will never, in your lifetime meet someone like her again.”
The doctor asked them if they knew what I had and both of them shook their heads no. HA… they couldn't figure me out. The nurse and the intern left the room and the doctor smiled as he looked at my forehead and said, looks like you have cancer we need to cut it.” Finally after he spoke I felt normal again. He spoke to me like he does with all his other patients’ and I didn't worry about the cancer, because that is what anyone can have written in the chart, but to have CRS is not one thing I know any of his other patients have in their medical folder.
Even though, deep inside my soul, I know I’m not an ordinary person. I came from a mold that finally broke when the MMR shot was born back in 1969. I am different; I am a person who doesn’t feel whole or equal to anyone, but I tell myself there are others who feel just like me. Even though they don’t have a physical appearance that makes them feel different, they can still feel out of place, not feeling like they belong anywhere or with anyone.
I have learned to look at my deformity as a reminder that I survived and won the fight with Rubella. 

Saturday, September 8, 2012

How We See Ourselves

I think all females hope for a flatter stomach, skinny legs, beautiful smile, and sparkling eyes. I know for me I wish I had the sparkling eyes. I have noticed over the years and since writing my novel that I take my appearance as a measure of my confidence. When I drop a dish on the floor because of not realizing it was placed on the counter to the right of me. My thoughts turn to how horrible I am for not seeing it before it hit the floor. It breaks my confidence and waxes my thoughts of ever feeling normal. At first I tell myself how clumsy I am, then while I sweep or pick up the pieces I wonder how I could of avoided from it hitting the floor.
I have lost count of how many things I have swept or accidentally brushed off the counter, but items I can remember are a microwave oven plate, a pitcher for the blender (my mother-laws), four bowls, three plates and a large pizza that I had just baked. My son wasn't happy when I told him pizza wouldn't be on the menu for dinner.

Being blind in one eye has hindered me in many ways, but at the same time has strengthen me to see how valuable vision is. This journey with limited vision has helped me to go the extra mile and learn different ways to function as a mother.

Not a day goes by when I'm cooking for my family that I don't think twice before I put something on the counter to the right of me.

Even though I have had to pick up lots of broken pieces over the years I have continually told myself I'm not broken.
Remember you are valuable. No flaws should ever pull you down and destroy the person you are meant to be...We are shining stars.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Summer of 1993

My journey through life has been filled with questions, lots of questions. I wondered if I asked for them in heaven before I was born. Experiences of being blind as a baby, toddler, and then after I had three beautiful children. Not able to see. Not able to see a smile that stretches across my children faces. Not able to see if there is a stain on their clothing or if the girls had appropriate outfits on. 

The summer of 1993, will be a summer I would never want to relive, even though I learned a great deal .A summer that taught me how valuable it is to see. To be able to see if there is a bug on your food or to look into your children's eyes.To be able to see the sunset or rain that I could smell. It was the first time ever in my life I craved to stare at my self in the mirror, and be reminded of the deformed eye that was a product from Congenital Rubella Syndrome. My deformed eye always awaken me to believe that I'm a one eyed freak. It was a nick name I was given as a child.  I hoped and prayed  that the surgery I had would help the glaucoma that has pierced my life. Daily eye drops that sometimes seemed like a waste. The challenge of making sure I aimed the eye drops seemed like a over rated trial, but one I deal with daily.

I love this song.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Writing my manuscript has surfaced feelings I never thought possible to have.  
I would to like CHANGE the direction of my blog and give it positive purpose.
 I dug deep and realized the word that carried me through was HOPE.
On I found what the definition for HOPE.

The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

A paticular Instance of this feelings: the hope of winning.

Something that is hoped for.

I challenge each of you to bring HOPE into your life. Hold on to HOPE. 

Let it be part of YOU.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Website on CRS

Website on CRS

Information on Manifestations of CRS.

The manifestations of congenital rubella syndrome (CRS) can be grouped according to time of onset into newborn, extended, and delayed CRS. The delayed manifestations are not present in early life and include the following: (1) endocrinopathies: diabetes, thyroid disease, and growth hormone deficiency; (2) deafness; (3) ocular damage: glaucoma, keratic precipitates, keratoconus, corneal hydrops, and absorption of the cataractous lens; (4) vascular effects: fibromuscular proliferation of the intima, sclerosis of arteries, systemic hypertension secondary to renal disease, and subretinal neovascularization; and (5) progressive rubella panencephalitis. Several mechanisms of pathogenesis of the damage have to be considered for the delayed manifestations, including (1) growth of the virus in tissues, resulting in a reduced growth rate and shortened life-span of the cells; (2) autoimmune responses, initially stimulated by the infection; (3) genetic susceptibility; (4) vascular damage by the viral infection with further stenosis or occlusion of the vessels later; (5) reactive hypervascularization; and (6) chronic persistence of the virus in the tissue with subsequent extension of the infection to other areas.                 

Monday, April 23, 2012

Blind in One Eye

This last weekend I attended my uncle's funeral.  He was blind in the opposite eye as me.  I loved the fact he could see the world as I see it. We didn't ever have to say a word about what it was like, because we already knew.

To have someone sit on your blind side and not even know they are there until they call your name. To stand in the aisle of a store looking at a item and not realizing someone is trying to get through the aisle. To have your kids make faces at you when you can't even see them. To get something in your good and not be able to see to get it out. Ouch, I dislike that when it happens. I favor sitting edge of the table so I can see everyone at the table, I'm sure my uncle did the same thing.

Blind in one eye isn't the worst thing in the world. I have often told myself at least I can see my children's faces, write a letter, read a book, and smile when someone smiles at me. I can take pictures and look at them.

Life is a blessing, because I have realized the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. I had a friend in high school tell me how sorry he felt for me, because I couldn't see out of two eyes. I told him, I felt sorry for him because he didn't know how lucky he was to see out of two eyes. 

My writing is moving forward inch my inch, word by word. Stories creep in that I never thought would show their faces. Words of anger, sadness, and loneliness ring loud and clear in between the lines of sentences.  I place a shield of armor on my chest moments before the stillness stirs beneath my fingers and words flow that make my fingers dance to a rhythm my heart loves to sing. 

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I Love Being Positive.

I decided a long time ago, it's not worth for me to be upset that I can't see out of my right eye. I have learned that it's better for me to focus on that fact, I can see out of my other eye. I can see the sunset, a smile grow on my childrens' faces. I can walk by myself and drive a car.  I am able to cook, clean, and help my children. I can walk into a library and pick a book off of a shelf and read it. I can take pictures of my grandson.
I know why God gives us trials.  To help us value what we do have.  I think it's better to look at glass half full, than half empty.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Why do I write?

When I write I feel a warmth as though a spark of sunshine is coming in through dark clouds.

Why I have had this strong desire to write. I guess it's because I want to share with the world my life...a life I knew I was given on purpose. 

Here is a little pargarph about me, before I took my first breath.

Seven months before her arrival, Pamela Shelton's parents, received the news from a medical professional that the German measles had infected their unborn baby girl. Doctors expressed a growing concerns as Pamela's due date approached. They grumbled that the German measles could and would cause countless physical impairments and health concerns in Pamela's life. These health concerns included blindness, hearing loss, heart murmurs, mental retardation, and mircocephaly.  Pamela's parents ignored those doctors suggesting abortion and turned their attention to their  God by praying for their daughter's safe arrival.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Do you ever feel ugly?

Does a pimple or a scar make you feel like a target for the label ugly? Do you feel whenever you walk into a room nobody can possibility feel as ugly as you feel?

Have you ever worked endlessly styling your hair and walked away from the mirror perturb that it doesn't look anything like you imagine it?

 There are so many of us that worry more about our outer appearance, than want is inside of us. It’s like a taking all your energy on decorating the outside of a cake, but not focusing on the ingredients that make the favor, texture and strength to hold the cake together.

I know for I strived to take care of my appearance, but I also tried to keep hold of my inner strength.

Each of us is worth more than we give ourselves credit for. We all can shine either through a smile, a wave and even a hello.

How can we shine?  How can we improve on our inner strength and use it to help another feel wanted. I have noticed when I reach out to others it makes me lose myself in them and my troubles seem like nothing.

I hope whoever reads this can see the value of their soul. You are beautiful  just the way you are.