My Doctor Visit

Yesterday as I sat across the room from my Dermatologist I observed his pen a paper as he scribbled down notes of answers to questions he was asking me. You know, the questions like have you ever had children? Is there heart disease in your family? Then I finally spilled out the five words that always seem to scare or shock a doctor. “I have Congenital Rubella syndrome (CRS)." He dropped his pen and his jaw quickly went to the floor. He looked at me and said, “You are one smart lady and you have had five kids?” The sentence that came out of his mouth next was words I have heard several times over the years, by other doctors. He crossed his legs and grabbed his chin. “Wow, I have never met anyone like you before. He looked at me like I was some weird freak from a circus. Then he jumped up pressed a button near the door-frame  A nurse and an intern came in, but right before they did, he asked me to not tell them that I had CRS. He said with a firm smile. Let’s let them guess as to what you have. I gladly agree to entertain the doctor’s game.

The intern looked at my eyes as the doctor said, “You will never ever met someone like her in your lifetime again.” I felt like a specimen on a table ready to be cut so they could find out what was wrong with me. The nurse and the intern looked closely at my blind eye. The doctor motioned with his hands. “It’s caused from a rash and it can do horrible damage to a fetus, if not kill the fetus. This young lady is blind in her right eye, was diagnose with mircocephaly, but she is very intelligent. She was born with a heart murmur and she was hospitalized for months after she after birth. Then he said. “Remember… you will never, in your lifetime meet someone like her again.”

The doctor asked them if they knew what I had and both of them shook their heads no. HA… they couldn't figure me out. The nurse and the intern left the room and the doctor smiled as he looked at my forehead and said, looks like you have cancer we need to cut it.” Finally after he spoke I felt normal again. He spoke to me like he does with all his other patients’ and I didn't worry about the cancer, because that is what anyone can have written in the chart, but to have CRS is not one thing I know any of his other patients have in their medical folder.

Even though, deep inside my soul, I know I’m not an ordinary person. I came from a mold that finally broke when the MMR shot was born back in 1969. I am different; I am a person who doesn’t feel whole or equal to anyone, but I tell myself there are others who feel just like me. Even though they don’t have a physical appearance that makes them feel different, they can still feel out of place, not feeling like they belong anywhere or with anyone.

I have learned to look at my deformity as a reminder that I survived and won the fight with Rubella. 

How We See Ourselves

I think all females hope for a flatter stomach, skinny legs, beautiful smile, and sparkling eyes. I know for me I wish I had the sparkling eyes. I have noticed over the years and since writing my novel that I take my appearance as a measure of my confidence. When I drop a dish on the floor because of not realizing it was placed on the counter to the right of me. My thoughts turn to how horrible I am for not seeing it before it hit the floor. It breaks my confidence and waxes my thoughts of ever feeling normal. At first I tell myself how clumsy I am, then while I sweep or pick up the pieces I wonder how I could of avoided from it hitting the floor.

 

I have lost count of how many things I have swept or accidentally brushed off the counter, but items I can remember are a microwave oven plate, a pitcher for the blender (my mother-laws), four bowls, three plates and a large pizza that I had just baked. My son wasn't happy when I told him pizza wouldn't be on the menu for dinner.

Being blind in one eye has hindered me in many ways, but at the same time has strengthen me to see how valuable vision is. This journey with limited vision has helped me to go the extra mile and learn different ways to function as a mother.

Not a day goes by when I'm cooking for my family that I don't think twice before I put something on the counter to the right of me.

Even though I have had to pick up lots of broken pieces over the years I have continually told myself I'm not broken.

 

Remember you are valuable. No flaws should ever pull you down and destroy the person you are meant to be...We are shining stars.

Summer of 1993

My journey through life has been filled with questions, lots of questions. I wondered if I asked for them in heaven before I was born. Experiences of being blind as a baby, toddler, and then after I had three beautiful children. Not able to see. Not able to see a smile that stretches across my children faces. Not able to see if there is a stain on their clothing or if the girls had appropriate outfits on. 

The summer of 1993, will be a summer I would never want to relive, even though I learned a great deal .A summer that taught me how valuable it is to see. To be able to see if there is a bug on your food or to look into your children's eyes.To be able to see the sunset or rain that I could smell. It was the first time ever in my life I craved to stare at my self in the mirror, and be reminded of the deformed eye that was a product from Congenital Rubella Syndrome. My deformed eye always awaken me to believe that I'm a one eyed freak. It was a nick name I was given as a child.  I hoped and prayed  that the surgery I had would help the glaucoma that has pierced my life. Daily eye drops that sometimes seemed like a waste. The challenge of making sure I aimed the eye drops seemed like a over rated trial, but one I deal with daily.

I love this song.